You are my God

I can't help myself.

No matter what I feel or do, I cannot deny God. I am in utter despair over my faith right now, without hope, but somehow, I can't stop. I cannot turn away.

I can stop going to church. I can stop reading my bible. I can stop praying. But I can't stop wanting God. Even when I don't want to want him, I still want him. I think that's a part of the despair. I want so badly to not feel deeply. To not question. To not need His presence so badly. But I can't go back. Once you've had a taste of who the true God of all the Earth is, you can't take anything else.

I am absolutely gut wrenched over my disconnect with God. This continued lack of confidence in Him, and in my faith in Him. I know that He is willing and ready to meet with me. I know that all I have to do is come. But how do I keep getting in my own way? It isn't as simple as "come". I have come. I've walked out to meet Him, and have repeatedly felt the emptiness of his presence. I don't believe it is sin that got me in this (I mean, obviously it is sin in the way of we live in a broken world caused by sin), but I am wondering if now that it has gone on, is there sin in my lack of reconciliation with God?

While my despair of faith was not caused by specific sin, is there now some sin keeping me from reaching reconciliation? I don't know. I was on Twitter the other day and saw this tweet:

That's a tough one for me. I inherently "know" the last part, that Christ loves me PERIOD. I could easily see myself saying, "God loves me when I read his word." Could I also just as easily say, "God loves me when I don't read his word."? That one is a little harder. But it is just as equally true. God's love for me is regardless of my actions. He loves me even though I am mad at him, and upset, and lacking faith. He loves me just the same.

And that's why I just can't give up. I don't know where I'm going right now, but I know that it will ultimately lead me to Jesus' feet; either tomorrow if he reveals himself or in 70 years when I enter Heaven.

Until then, I will keep holding on, because it's all I can do.

My Heart is Yours

I give you my life

I give you my trust

Jesus

You are my God

You are enough

Jesus

My heart is yours

My heart is yours

Take it all, take it all

My life in your hands

I lay down my life

I take up my cross

Jesus

You are my God

Whatever the cost

Jesus, whoa Jesus

My heart is yours

My heart is yours

Take it all, take it all

My life in your hands

- B